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The Colbert Report/Episode/571
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In * Dr. Colbert salutes His Jewish Friend ** who leads his audience in a standing ovation for Stephen * Stephen is having trouble getting used to wearing civilian clothes ** Stewart wears a kevlar cup Intro Colbert's Has Come Home! * Dr. Colbert is not wearing a wig * he orders His Mob to calm down in m ilitary speak (at ease) * he is finally home * the toughest longest 5 days of his life * everything is so different now that he's been to war ** he will never forget the troops at Camp Victory's Cinnabon *** semper frosting * he didn't know that one guy came out * the voices are with him even now * the flight back was long enough that he was able to grow his hair back ** he can run his fingers through it * he misses the action and camaraderie and climate ** which he can recreate it any time he wants *** the blow dryers blew off his hair * he has always said Matt Lauer is a good looking guy Stephen's Sound Advice * the UN threatened North Korea ** deprive them of gravity * Kim is the last surviving munchkin * Kim Jong Un was named Kim's youngest son and successor * he has to prove that he has what it takes * Stephen's Sound Advice * How to be a Totalitarian Nutjob ** crazier than all the Kims who came before him *** internets sex tape would not hurt * try kidnapping random people ** shows you're not afraid to take what you want * Bolster reputation ** Invent wacky mythology * Be fashionable!! ** unique style *** might include mustaches ** Stephen suggests wearing: *** a dickie, wading boots, lederhosen and a full Specter SEGMENT3 * America's auto industry fell apart faster than an American car while he was away * the only thing more important than saving an American car company it's destroying the Obama Administration * Car Shout ** like NPR's Car Talk *** except he knows nothing about cars and he doesn't broadcast in the nude (That's why they're called Click and Clack) * first up: GM * there is an Escalade-shaped hole in the ozone layer * every dollar spent on GM * Hot Wheels is the only car company that has never taken a government bailout * Ed W. in Detroit, Michigan ** wonders if Stephen could tell him about cars, first describing one * cars have wheels ** Phones and cars are different * a business is a business ** he promises to deliver a car as well as he makes phones ... LOST * Chrysler * Joan F. from Dallas, Texas ** wonders about her warrantees * tow your car to Washington, D.C. ** Rahm Emanuel will give you an oil change * Fred W. not from Detroit, Michigan ** also wants to know about cars too Interview * Austan Goolsbee ** Staff Director, Economic Recovery Advisory Board ** economic adviser for President Obama, Stephen wonders if he came up with tax or spend * was one of Harry Potter's teacher ** he was a ghost and his death was foreshadowing * first Obama White House guy ** not in the cabinet * member of the task force for the auto industry * he says not to believe anything the Canadians say ** Harper is a madman * he predicts in a year from now we'll be in a very happy place ** we'll all be in Disneyland * how will socialism solve things? ** get off the bubble and bust cycle ** healthcare ** energy policy ** financial regulators * try to prevent stuff from happening again * sick version of the Olympics * he will admit that when George Bush left office there was still a GM * Stephen goes jetskiing with Rush * no one will help them ** helping them succeed will prove socialism works * if it works that means government intervention works * Obama has always wanted to run GM ** it was a dream of his father * a person saving a kid from a burning building might not be charged with kidnapping * Dr. Colbert hopes everything works out because he loves money Epilogue * Dr. Colbert is confused about whether it is now the end of the show ** he may have been driving for the last 10 minutes Gallery File: File: File: File: File: File: File: File: File: File: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments